So I know I've been absent for a little while. I think this is the longest I've been gone from my blog since I started it. And this isn't necessarily the return, but I finally feel OK about sharing what's happening.
(Warning: this is long and detailed. Don't say I didn't warn you.)
Back in December I had two periods back to back. This is the first time this has everhappened to me. I'm usually like clockwork. The second one started December 23rd, which of course meant my doctor's office was closing early and they couldn't see me until after the first of the year. So I scheduled an appointment (it was time for my annual anyway) and endured the second round of menstrual bliss (sarcasm).
So January rolled around and I went for my annual exam. While I was there my doctor did an ultrasound to make sure everything was OK since I'd had a double period. They found a cyst - a large cyst - on my ovary. This wasn't especially concerning; I've been getting those ever since I had Princess and am not on any kind of hormones to regulate them. The only thing that concerned my doctor was the size and so she scheduled me for a follow-up ultrasound in 8 weeks (this would also provide enough time to make sure my period went back to normal). She just wanted to make sure it went away or shrunk or changed shape. So then she did the rest of the exam and I was free to go.
And now comes the big secret: after I put in my notice for my job, my hubby and I had decided that we would start trying again. We both want another baby and even though both money and space are pretty much non-existent, at least now I am home and can care for both children. We decided to put off "trying" until after the March appointment, just to make sure everything is OK with my body. I didn't want to talk about it on here or to anyone in real life (except my closest friends) because people have such strong emotions about it and honestly, I just wanted to wait and keep it private.
A week later I got a phone call from my doctor's office with my pap results. I don't know how your doctor's office is, but with mine hearing from them after a pap is not a good thing. They told me my pap came back abnormal and there were some cells that didn't look right. So they scheduled me for another appointment, this time doing a microscopic exam to try to find the problem cells. She said depending on what they find, she might or might not have to do a biopsy.
During the second exam, she found the cells, so she ended up doing a biopsy. She told me best case scenario, they are cells that could become pre-cancerous. Worst case scenario, they could be something worse.
My husband and I have been trying not to worry, trying not to think of "ifs" and "whats" and thinking too far ahead into the future. But it's hard. We are still waiting on the biopsy results. We should have them either next week or the next.
Then yesterday my hubby had to take me to the ER because that lovely ovarian cyst? Ruptured. I felt like my abdomen was being sliced open. I spent 6 hours in the ER, dealt with the most painful ultrasound I've ever had in my life, and was sent home with a prescription for Vicodin, bed rest, and heat. And once the grogginess from the drugs cleared, I'm just kind of scratching my head and saying, "What is going on?"
And finally this morning my doctor's office called, concerned about the cyst, and they have moved up my March ultrasound appointment to two weeks from now. And she also made the recommendation that I need to get back on hormonal birth control to get my body regulated and take care of these problems.
And so now I'm just going to come out and be transparently honest with you. And if it scares some of you away, then I'm sorry. But I'm not perfect, I'm far from it, and there's no point in me trying to be something I'm not.
I'm depressed. Not about the fact that I've had to have a biopsy and it may or may not be something serious. Or something that may require treatment that might wreak havoc on my body. In fact, I am supremely unconcerned about the possibility of this being a serious health condition.
The part that is depressing me is the fact that once again, our desires to expand our family have been stunted.
I think my husband thinks I'm crazy, that this is the part of the whole situation that bothers me. But it is what it is.
And I know this is selfish. I know I have a beautiful little girl and I thank God for her every. single. day. I know there are millions of couples who can't conceive at all. I know there are millions of couples who have had miscarriages (like my next door neighbor, who has had5). I know there are millions of couples like the Maxeys who have lost babies after they've had the joy to physically hold them in their arms.
And I know, that to be sorrowful in light of those problems, paints me the most selfish person on the face of the planet.
But whatever. It is what it is.
And yes, I know I'm jumping to conclusions. I know that if God loves the lilies so much, how much more does He love me? I know that there are other options out there than just biological conception.
But right now, in this very moment, I don't want to hear those. Because my heart is overwhelmed.
It just seems that doors keep getting slammed in our faces. Every time we take a step to grow our family, a wall comes down or a roadblock goes up. It's why I never really talk about it on here. Sometimes it's just too much.
And you know what? If that's what God wants, if our "quiver" is full with just our little girl, then I will rejoice and be glad in it. And I will seek Him to fill the need - to fill the hole - that seems to be growing and gaping each day.
There have been multiple times in my life where God has told me I needed to do things - things way beyond my comfort zone, and He demands obedience (as He should). Sometimes those things come to fruition.
Sometimes they only happen just so I will say with full conviction, "Yes, Lord." Just so I will obey. He asks until I bend my stubborn, awful will to His. And then it turns out the issue was not so much with my going or doing, but just that my heart would obey Him.
I'm sure some of you shaking your heads and going, "What is she freaking out about? How can she be so selfish?" Well, I am selfish because I'm a fallen human and this probably should have gone in my journal instead of on the web. But whatever.
You know, there is/was a saying in
Because it's not just me. There is tragedy, death, illness, and suffering all around me. And I'd give details except they are not my details to share, and this post is already long enough as it is.
The devil is ticked about something, and he's wreaking havoc with God's people.
Just a small list: suicide, injuries, serious female issues (multiple women, not just me!), infant death from SIDS, infant death from drowning, miscarriages, infants having to have surgery, job loss, caregivers of children being sent to jail for drugs, VISAs denied for mission trips, missionaries denied being able to go to the field. All of these having to do with Christians.
Something weird is going on. And even though the suffering seems to be growing, I'm glad I'm on the winning team, even if I don't really feel like cheering right now.
I know His joy comes with the morning. But right now I am still going through the night.
I don't know when I will post again. I'm just... not in a blogging mood. But I thought I would at least let ya'll know what is going on. Those of you who have emailed and commented, you have no idea how much that means to me. I cannot thank you enough for it. I am still praying for healing and peace of mind. But nevertheless, not what I want, but what He allows for me.
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